38

That feels weird. I suppose for a first post, it'd be nice to pass along where I came from.

38 years ago, I was born to a single mother, still mourning the death of her lover some 6ish months earlier. I was wanted and loved. Now, they're both gone. My father died when he was 26 (less than a month shy of his 27th birthday) and my mother when I was 35 (just before my 36th birthday). She would have been 70 this year.

I never knew him, but I mourned him, despite never having met him. As I grew older, I know that I've come to understand and know an idolized version of him that my mother wanted me to know.

I know that he was in-and-out of prison. I know that he was married to someone else and she was in a long-term relationship (emotionally abusive) with someone else when they met. When my father would call to speak with her boyfriend while he was in prison, the boyfriend would be out doing crimes, but she would just talk to him instead. She'd listen to him. That's all it took in the 80s, apparently. She listened.

Then he got out, his wife was shacked up with someone else (just as questionable as the other men in this story), but she loved to try to keep his sons as pawns. My mother would encourage him to just give her what she wanted sometimes. She trusted him.

She was the first one to do so, without question.

They had a whirlwind romance for a few years. Then my mother discovered she was pregnant.

That's where I come in.

She wasn't terribly far along. Just leaving her first trimester. My father died. Drug overdose.

The crazy part? I didn't know that until I was in my 30s. I didn't know how my father died...until I was in my 30s. My mother was so focused on protecting his legacy in regards to me, that she never told me...and never wanted to. It wasn't until I acquired his death certificate that I knew for sure. (I was concerned that it was something genetic. The only thing that was genetic was addiction.)

Well, I reckon that's just enough for a first entry. I'm going to do my best at sticking with blogging for the year and, hopefully if I find a routine in it, updating regularly. I'm thinking at least once a week.

I can promise to do my best.